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The Undefined Shape

of shadows on my wall.

9/11/08 12:20 am - crushed...

"Camille...there is no easy way to say this...the distance isn't going to work...i'm sorry...i've been running it through my head for a while now...i like you a lot...but i can't do the long distance.."

Who didn't see that coming?

Is it crazy of me to kinda still want to be close friends until the distance is a little less?

I called him after I got that text and we talked for about 20 minutes...He's still coming home this weekend and he still wants to see me...Idk how weird that'll be but I'm going...It's distance...Relationships are hard anyways...but long distance makes them about a thousand times harder...I should've seen it coming...I can't let it get me down...If I stay broken by it I'll get depressed again...and that's a shitty way to spend my senior year.

Why do I do this to myself?

8/31/08 04:35 pm - sickly...

So I kinda have a brain issue right now...

I'm a week and a half late...

I'm not pregnant.

I haven't had sex since Spring Break.

And I've been right on time since then.

Plus I haven't gained the right kind of weight if I were five months along.

My boobs have grown though.



I'm just freaking myself out because it's impossible that I have a baby growing in me.

Right?


It's just stress...

Right?

Or the meds. I've been off and on antibiotics for two months now.

That could be it couldn't it be?



Idk what to do/think.










always. and advice is appreciated.

8/22/08 07:42 pm - We're much better off holding hands...

He's turned me on to new music...a lot of new music...a lot of GREAT new music!!!

He's promised me that he won't hurt me but he also won't push things too fast. As he put it...not ready for "forever and always" just yet. :D Read my mind boy!

I miss him terribly every time he leaves. It's weird because most times when you begin dating someone you've been friends with for a few years...you have no spark...no excitement...you already know the person so there's nothing new to learn...But not this time! There is so much that's completely new for us both! We're STILL playing questions every chance we get and we're still learning about one another. I think it helps that this time I hadn't ever even been friends with benefits with him as I had been with previous friends that turned into significant others.

He gets me in ways most people don't for a long time.

He deals with my weird ups and downs. I've gone off on him a few times for no reason...and he simply tells me (when I begin to apologize) that it's okay..."If I were only around for the good parts I'd be a total douche. I'm here for every part as long as you wish for me to be." AHHHHH! :D :D :D :D :D





On a less lovely note...I have managed to develop yet another sinus infection. It absolutely sucks. I hate feeling sickly. I'm so tired of it.





I'm going to Ashley's tonight to pig out on a bunch of junk food, play Guitar Hero and HALO, and have a last blast! :D It's my last free Friday night until November. Yay for marching band. *rolls eyes*





Three weeks tonight until he comes back home for the weekend. :) I'm overly anxious.








8/7/08 11:52 am - & before you know it, you're frozen.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm incredibly giddy. Just so ya know.

He really does like me I guess...He drove two hours yesterday morning to take me to a movie and then go sit at the lake in the trunk of his car talking, then he drove two hours back last night. Who does that? & it's not for sex...Not even close. It's not like that this time. I'm so happy. AH! He's amazingly sweet.

We saw Wall-E which by the way almost made me cry. It was really sad! It's kinda bad when I get that into a G-rated kid's movie. Haha.

For the first time in a long time I feel like he's around me cause I'm me. I feel like it's not just what I have to offer that keeps him coming around. I feel like I'm actually important. I'm loving this, and I'm crazy about him.

11 days.









So I'm on some antibiotic now for my damn acne...and it makes me sick every freaking morning. I swear if this is what morning sickness feels like I WILL NEVER HAVE KIDS! ugh. We called the doctor and he was just like "drink more water with it!" but that doesn't help either. He won't give me anything else cause he doesn't want to push the serious stuff till we know for sure this isn't going to work. My back is all scarred up now. It's horrendous. He said that if it didn't work (in an effin month...a month of puking every damn morning) then I'm off to the damn dermatologist. Acutane is the main threat. UGHHHHH I refuse to take that shit. It messes with your skin, hair, and mood. The skin and hair I could deal with I guess, but my mood's already a roller coaster. I'm so afraid I'll be like Ed was on it. Ick.




So I guess I'm going to go throw up now...




Always.

8/3/08 09:02 pm - correction and news...

So um I said anything with Brandon'd be weird? Ha Not even close and I'm so incredibly ecstatic!

I'm kinda seeing him. He lives in Auburn 9 months out of the year so it's not a serious relationship but it's still wonderful. He's driving all the way home Wednesday (two and a half hours) just to go see a movie and spend the day with me then drive back down...So this time I'm sure I'm not the only one caught up.

He's in the AF though. :( He still has two years of school before he can even be talked to about being sent off...but still...he wants to be deployed therefore eventually he will be. We've been friends for so long that even if we never become more than what we are right now it'd still really upset me if something happened to him.



On another note...i'm exhausted. My feet are covered in blisters...I haven't been able to run since Tuesday because of my feet and I was going to start back tomorrow morning but I can't cause now I've gotta go to the doctor tomorrow morning because I've either got the shingles again or REALLY bad sun poison on my neck...Either that or death. We've decided I've caught death. haha.


I'm in such a happier mood here lately. Idk, maybe it's the suntan :) I look kinda good :)

I can't wait for school to start back! :D

<3

7/25/08 11:58 pm - VERY UGH MAKING

So um...i suck at life. Just so that everyone knows, I kinda give up.

This is an example of how it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to have a good day...

1) I woke up this morning with a headache and horrible cramps.
2) I hit my second wind of energy at around 10 AM and was golden...for like thirty minutes.
3) I almost collapsed at full band at 12 today. I was slightly dehydrated and that doesn't help the whole cramps thing. . . at all.
4) I went to Burger Chick and had a blast making ropes.
5) I met Russell at the school after the rope making thing and ran. He just wanted me to run a quarter of a mile, one lap. I agreed to it (because I've gotta begin somewhere and it'll help my breath support). I made it about half way and ended up having to walk about 10 steps before i could begin to run again. I'm not asthmatic at all (that I'm aware of) and Russ has severe asthma...plus he smokes about a pack a day but my lungs were ON FIRE. He was so disappointed in me. He is sticking with it, he runs a mile a day at least and wants me to be able to do the same so he'll have someone to run with so he's sticking with motivating me. He's pretty good at it, I'm meeting him Sunday to try again and maybe push even further if I can (doubt it but hey, ya never know.) But either way i let him down because i walked. That made me feel really bad.
6) I went to the hangar tonight for Bain's party and i didn't talk to anyone the whole first hour i was there because i'm a freak.
7) I finally just got fed up with just sitting around and decided to leave and go see Brandon (a REALLY old friend of mine that I haven't seen in TWO YEARS and he's home for a little while so i'm trying to spend lots of time with him, he's in the air force and college at Auburn so he's gone a lot.) So I'm backing out of my parking spot at the hangar and ALMOST hit Tracey's SUV....
8) and while i'm thinking "wow, that was close!" i manage to back into Emily's mustang.........


Okay, damage wise it scraped her passenger's side back bumper and dented in my drivers side door. but the dent in my door popped back out easily and is now just a slight bump. not even bad enough to tell really in the light (idk how it'll look in daylight tomorrow though).

Her brother works in a body shop. She got my phone number just in case and was like "oh girl, it's cool. I've been in 13 wrecks, i know what it's like to be a crappy driver." So maybe things will be chill.


But on the matter of the fact that there is still a slight dent in my car....um...that kinda sucks. It's nothing a good body work place can't just simply bump out and buff away but i don't have the money. I'm telling mom (tomorrow after work) that apparently someone either really hates me or just decided to drive off. and backed into it at work. either that or i'm going to just ignore it. . . and when she notices it be like "WTF??!!??!!"

idk.






but i did get to go meet Brandon (after Chance backed my car out of the spot without hitting anything and then told me and Joe Griffith that he could see how i hit her car, mine is FULL of blind spots and the dark doesn't help at all.) and we sat out at this church in bremen in the parking lot and we were sitting up against my car on the ground just talking....(anything more with Brandon would be way way way weird lol) and the church's sign read "smile! God loves you!!" and i read it...like a thousand times before he got there and when he pulled up he came around and sat beside me and i turned to him and said "that sign really makes me want to shoot something." and after i said it i turned back to the sign and just stared at it....not two seconds after those words were outta my mouth i heard him cock a pistol. . . . . . HE HAD A PISTOL IN HIS POCKET!!! it made me smile. seriously. like i'm all hippie anti violence and crap...but i'll shoot inanimate objects any day! lol I couldn't even take the gun i was so astounded. i was just like "wow. just wow.....you have a gun in your pocket?!.....wow." and he was like "yeah, it was my 21st birthday present to myself" (typical brandon. please keep in mind, he was David's best friend all through high school. they are no longer friends [because really, who wants to be friends with David now days?] but they were a LOT alike in the whole weapon fetish thing) He put it away of course :( but then like twenty minutes later i was crying again (this is what stress does to a girl who's already hormonal.) and i was like "so can i borrow your gun?" and he wouldn't give it to me. which i kinda decided that suicide in a church parking lot was kinda a little too um, not good. lol but yeah.



i have no point. i'm simply rambling till i fall asleep.


I'm blessed to have the friends i have (tonight i'm mainly talking about Brandon and Russell but still, they're all very wonderful) and today's bad day crap was simply another kick from God. I asked for this one. I really did. I said that if i fell off the wagon again for Him to kick me because that's the only way i'll get back up.....and He kicked me...and I'm going to lie to my mom about the dent or i'm just not going to say anything (probably just not say anything) but i'm guarding my tongue again (one of my biggest sins...stupid foul words) and i'm going to start reading my bible again. I quit when camp started cause i was tired...stupid huh?


and I'm going to pray.



As i was running the last bit today Russell was trying to motivate me...he told me to get a cadence in my head (we're both corps lovers) and that'll help me keep a steady pace and all....but i couldn't find a beat....so instead i repeated Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." over and over again. it was the first thing that entered my brain....I'm officially combining my running with my memorization of verse. I'm going to select a verse or passage and use it as my motivation (especially on days when our schedules conflict and we can't run together).




I keep slipping and falling and He always picks me back up but I'm such a pessimist. Things have to get better...every one keeps telling me that. I don't even come close to believing them though and it sucks.



that's all. i'm sleepy.


g'night.

7/23/08 01:59 pm - Pain.

Physical

My feet have held my weight for the majority of the past 72 hours. My legs have been used and abused, holding steps and finding my center so that the rookies could see how it's supposed to look. My back and shoulders have been holding a 30 pound sax up for me for the past three days. My arms are just plain give out from carrying my stuff. Then to top it all off, my fingers (especially my pinkie), and my hands/wrists HURT. It's really really really really annoying. I was playing in full band today before we came home and my hands were shaking they hurt so bad. That's the worst of the physical pain. :(


Emotional

I told myself that because he didn't want to be with me, I didn't want to be with him. He wasn't ready for a relationship and I am. That's what the told me...He wasn't over Tayler yet. So I backed WAY off...and guess what?! He's dating Stacey now. Stace was Tay's best friend for like four years. I really am trying to get along with Stacey because she and Ashley are REALLY close now and Ashley is practically my sister so I'm trying. I don't want Ashley to feel divided if we both wanna hang out, we can just combine plans. Ya know? Idk. I just wish things could've worked out between Ed and I...I just love being with him. It's something I haven't found in anyone else...we're so comfortable together. I don't know. I need someone new anyways. I wish I could meet people and not freak out.


I'm such a freak.


A tired freak.


That's going to sleep now.





School starts back in two weeks. I'm excited and I love being a senior! :)


Always.

7/18/08 08:34 pm - *scowls at the readers*

So um...how come no one told me Parks was home?
I truly am hurt.
:(

7/4/08 07:30 am - The Dream World

Have you ever waken from what you know had to be a horrific dream thoroughly pissed yet had no idea what was going on in your subconscious? I got up at 6:45 this morning (I'm working 8-2) and I woke up pissed off at my mom and dad and yet I have no idea why so I'm blogging hoping it'll come to me…..

I know Ed was there…and he kissed me…only when he kissed me it was as though he was unsure when he'd be able to again. He did this with my parents sitting there in the room…completely aware of the fact that we are who we are and we are together…they got mad first! I remember! (this always works!) We were at some kind of gathering like a reunion or something and I was about to leave and Ed needed to go out to his truck to get something so I had said "well I'll just go with you" and then mom said that we were leaving NOW so he grabbed me and told me he loved me and only me and no one would ever replace me and he kissed me as though it would be the last time he'd ever be able to…the passion was so….real. And the reason I woke up pissed….he left the room and my parents came to glare at me…(in typical dream world fashion) my father told me I had to clean the whole house tomorrow and if it wasn't done he was going to beat me because I have to be punished for kissing that piece of shit. (his words not mine.) and mom just kinda stood there with a scowl of disgust.


I don't understand why this has to be so hard….damnit. I have never felt this way for someone. I have never even felt this strong for that someone. The way I care about him has only grown stronger in the last few years…through all the learning I've done with David and Cory and all the other jerks I've dated I now only long to be with him…only him. Now I'm crying and about to leave for work….ugh…


I love him so much. I wish he were home so I could at least call him…..They haven't taken away that…yet.


Always.

7/2/08 11:19 pm - URRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

I miss stupid theatre way too much! I was up at the school last night for a booster meeting and i wanted to just go sit on the stupid stage so bad! I'm officially depressed from theatre deprivation. Stupid.

I decided a week and a half ago that I'm NOT going to medical school. I am going to major in theatre and hopefully get a decent job teaching performing arts. I realize I'm not looking at a very well paying career, but I'm looking at something that I find to be fun...and this way I can have the family I hope to have eventually. Being a surgeon would've meant I'd give up my chances at dating and finding my perfect dude.....much less making babies and having this gorgeous happy family that I long to be a part of in about ten years....when you're in the medical field you are married to it...end of story. I can't handle that thought.

My hair faded WAY out after only two washings so I redyed it tonight. I left it on for forty minutes and right now it's a DEEP purple. Maybe it'll stay in a little longer this time.

I have gained 10 pounds since school got out. :( and 15 since January...I'm NOT happy with the way I look right now. I'm going back to Florida next week for Super Wow and we get about two hours a day for beach time...I'm going to opt for staying in the room and reading or going to the local shops because I don't want my church friends to see me in my swimsuit...now that's sad isn't it? We're having dinner here for the fourth and I was told I could ask Russell to come if I wanted to cause his parents are going out of town and he isn't doing anything...but I decided instead that I'd just get him to meet me in Tallapoosa for the fireworks instead....cause I don't wanna go swimming and if he comes I'll have to. I just hate my body. I am not usually like this...usually I just tolerate it and move on...but right now it's getting larger in places I don't care for it to do so.....UGH.

If I've ever been full of angst, tonight is a prime example.

Plus I have over 3,000 songs on iTunes and cannot find anything to listen to. It's completely retarded.

I feel completely horrible because Ed's really having a hard time right now...it doesn't help that he won't take his medication but still....and I went over there yesterday to hang out with him (we washed our cars =D ) and he was just not himself after we finished...like we were cutting up during the washing and he kept spraying me with the water hose...dork...but when we went back inside he just kinda went back into his shell...something he NEVER does with me...or at least he never had before yesterday...He is bipolar...He doesn't go to therapy though and he can't take Lithium...he's allergic or something...so he's only on mood stabilizers of some sort (i have no idea) and he doesn't take them half the time...but he's ALWAYS been himself around me...I'm not sure why that is but yesterday was different. he freaked out on his mom...something i've NEVER seen him do...he's never gotten cross with her that i'm aware of....and then when i tried to leave he begged me not to so i didn't for another half hour...then i HAD to leave and he just kissed me bye and didn't move off the chair he was in...usually he walks me to my car or at least to the door...then like three hours later he texted me and apologized...said he had "a lot of shit" on his mind...but he wouldn't elaborate. then late last night i couldn't sleep cause he was on my mind so i texted him and asked him simply if he was okay and all he said was "no, i just have all of these horrific thoughts running through my head and they won't let me go to fucking sleep." ....that scared the shit out of me. He's just not himself. but He's leaving for Florida tomorrow morning for the weekend to spend time with his brother and family....he always loves that vacation...i hope he has as much fun this year...idk...i just wish he'd talk to me...he's my best friend...one of the only friends i've managed to keep this long....and i'm absolutely in love with him....ick.

Always.
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