Camille (undefinedshape) wrote,
Camille
undefinedshape

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But I'm not pretty...

I dream of being a success...of making the best grades possible...of being the perfect daughter for my parents who really are doing the best they can...to make the people around me happy...to give God something of worth to love me for even if it never will be enough to deserve the fate I have...and most of all to make myself happy with being me.

I'm a scared little kid stuck in a small town that has no hope but that maybe eventually we'll have a great football team for more than one season. I can't even respond to my own callbacks that could get me out of this stupid hole in the wall. I'm a great big purple pansy and I'm shaking in my boots.

I was a straight A student for the majority of high school...this year will be my breaking point. I just don't care anymore. I want to make the grades but I don't want to put forth the effort. I'm tired and bored with all of this. I procrastinate like it's not body's business and I skip class every chance I get. My grades are suffering because of my attitude.

I'm so disrespectful to my mom. My dad has never accepted any form of respect I've offered nor showed me any in return so that is simply a lost cause but my mom and I have always had a pretty good relationship. I can't help but feel that I'm disappointing her. I had sex before marriage, I cuss like a sailor, I can't make my car payment right now, I yell at her or snap at her on a regular basis before I even realize I'm doing it. I've done nothing since I turned 14 but cause her pain. I make her cry almost daily and don't even mean to. I don't mean to be a bad kid. I don't even know how it all turned out this way.

Most of my friends don't trust me. I don't blame them. I run my mouth far too much to be a good friend. I hurt people and I run away from anything that might actually be healthy for me. I'm destructive and stupid and naive by choice. I play dumb and act stupid. I play with people's emotions for my own gratification or amusement.

This past summer I decided I wanted to work in the mission field. I can't even talk to a close friend about her salvation. I have major people issues that never surfaced till I got my job but now they keep me from making friends and from sharing the Word. I don't talk to God the way I should. I go to him when I'm in trouble but when life's good I completely forget about him. I don't act even close to what a Christian should act like. I use words that make most people blush. I have the sex drive of a 19 year old guy. I've been blessed with oh so many talents...and I use none of them the way I should. God has nothing to be proud of when it comes to me. I have let my Father down.

I absolutely and completely hate who I am. I look just like my mother who is beautiful, yet I hate the way I look. Too fat, too short, too round in the face, bad hair, bad complexion, etc. I can't go a day without putting myself down. I do well to go an hour. I spend a good twenty minutes every night in front of the mirror either before I get into the shower or after...just pointing out all the bad things about the way I look. I'm a pessimist. I feel completely broken and used up and I wish someone would just love me so that I could maybe figure out how to love myself again. I hear that you can't love anyone till you love yourself...if that's the case I'm not sure I'll ever be truly happy. I hate feeling tired and down all the time. I've tried everything I know to try to stay healthy if even for a little while. My immune system can't handle the sleepless nights and the stress filled days and in result I stay in and out of doctors offices and remain feeling like crap constantly. 

I only wish I were just a little more confident in who I am. Everything above that would most likely just work all of its kinks out in response. I just really wish I weren't me these days.

I feel broken. Torn. & Alone.
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