Ed told me tonight that he falls for me every time he sees me. That he still loves me. That he wishes things would've worked last time. That he wouldn't of been so stupid about Stacey.
Casey (14) told me that he's falling for me and I had to break his heart. He's fourteen. I can't just be like "oh okay, lets get into an illegal relationship...no one will ever know!" I feel horrible for it though.
I miss Brandon. I know it's wrong. I know I shouldn't. I know it's never going to work. But I really do wish I could just spend a day with him. It's been almost two months since I've seen him and I have no idea when I'll see him again. I miss just spending afternoons talking to him, laughing with him, playing mad at him. He made me so happy. Distance = Anger. Hate. Despair.
I don't know how to handle the Ed thing. He's so destructive. Dangerous. Bad for me. I do love him. I have always loved him. I will always love him. But if we were to try it again it'd make try number like seven or eight. That's just too much. I'm a pessimist. My brain screams "this is stupid!" and "this won't work!" My brain is right. But we fit. We're so comfortable together.
That's why it's so easy to fall back into this pattern. It's comfortable. It's normal. It's easy. It's familiar.
If he didn't smoke pot it'd be different. He won't change though. He hasn't grown up yet.
I feel kinda lost.
I've prayed about it. I've begged for Him to just show me my path. I'm tired of wandering.
I don't know....