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The Undefined Shape

of shadows on my wall.

5/10/09 10:25 pm - Just to set it all straight...

 Brandon Michael is the most wonderful man God could've ever put into my life. I am the luckiest girl alive. And I am so blessed. 

Erin - Thank you so much for everything you do in the way of trying to make me see sensibly. In more than one way you're like a big sister i never had the chance to have. 

3/16/09 08:19 pm - Tori/Fatty Situation. (and other whines)

 I have no idea what to do...I thought that it was best if momma knew all she knows. I mean, I want to keep my baby sister safe. That's my job as an older sister. Right? I want to keep her from messing things up far worse than she thinks possible. And I knew if I didn't say anything and then anything happened, I'd honestly feel like it was my fault. I just don't know what to do from here. I cannot stand Fatty. But Tori won't even speak to me. At all. And she keeps threatening to bring up my past to my parents. They'll hate me...most days I hate me. But it's the past. It happened in the past and it's not who I am now. But it would make my parents hate me. 
Fatty seems to think that threatening me and telling me I'm a horrible person will make me "fix" it. I can't fix it. There is nothing that needs fixing other than he either needs to get his act together or they need to break up. 

I just don't know what to do. 




On a happier note...I got to see Brandon today!!! God, I missed him!!! So much! We cooked...(or rather, I cooked, he watched)....and it's official...I'm a TERRIBLE cook. Lol. I cooked Pork Roast and it was SOOO dry and tough...:( like rubber. It was terrible. But we laughed. :D a lot.


I feel muddled.

11/27/08 12:48 am - crumbly.

 I can't take it anymore.
I don't want to tell mom that I can't, but I can't.

I need help. Serious medical help. 

and prayer please?

11/23/08 11:35 pm - Question of the day...

 Are the hardest things in life really the things most worth the effort?

10/30/08 09:12 pm - Manic or Maniac?

Things are pretty rad here lately. The boy I'm infatuated with is showing me the attention I crave again, I'm making good grades, the competition piece took second today, band's almost over, I'm getting good pay checks again, and things with my parents are better than they've ever been...I should be happy. I shouldn't have to work my butt off just to smile. Why is it so hard for me? I don't want to feel bad but I always have this sense of a kinda hopelessness sitting in my chest. I just feel really down. Idk why. or how. 

10/14/08 07:07 pm - Stupid College.

I hated Mercer.
Period.
Bad vibe.
NOT GOING!

JSU here I come.
(I think.)

My mom wants me to go to UWG and live at home or get an apartment in Carrollton. :-\

Whatever.
I don't even wanna graduate High School.
Not ready. 

10/6/08 11:49 pm - but you don't want me anymore...

He's my Romeo and I his Juliet.
Too bad it's not that easy right?
How could I of let this happen?
He's fourteen for God's sake!

"Daddy said 'Stay away from Juliet.'
And I was crying on the staircase begging you please don't go...
And I said...
Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone,
I'll be waiting, All that's left to do is run.
You can be the prince and I'll be the princess,
It's a love story
Baby just say 'yes.'"
-Taylor Swift's "Love Story"

"But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,

Who is already sick and pale with grief,

That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Be not her maid, since she is envious;

Her vestal livery is but sick and green

And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.

It is my lady, O, it is my love!

O, that she knew she were!

She speaks yet she says nothing; what of that?"
Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet Act 2 Scene 2

 


I feel so childish about all of this.

Always.

9/29/08 12:03 am - But I'm not pretty...

I dream of being a success...of making the best grades possible...of being the perfect daughter for my parents who really are doing the best they can...to make the people around me happy...to give God something of worth to love me for even if it never will be enough to deserve the fate I have...and most of all to make myself happy with being me.

I'm a scared little kid stuck in a small town that has no hope but that maybe eventually we'll have a great football team for more than one season. I can't even respond to my own callbacks that could get me out of this stupid hole in the wall. I'm a great big purple pansy and I'm shaking in my boots.

I was a straight A student for the majority of high school...this year will be my breaking point. I just don't care anymore. I want to make the grades but I don't want to put forth the effort. I'm tired and bored with all of this. I procrastinate like it's not body's business and I skip class every chance I get. My grades are suffering because of my attitude.

I'm so disrespectful to my mom. My dad has never accepted any form of respect I've offered nor showed me any in return so that is simply a lost cause but my mom and I have always had a pretty good relationship. I can't help but feel that I'm disappointing her. I had sex before marriage, I cuss like a sailor, I can't make my car payment right now, I yell at her or snap at her on a regular basis before I even realize I'm doing it. I've done nothing since I turned 14 but cause her pain. I make her cry almost daily and don't even mean to. I don't mean to be a bad kid. I don't even know how it all turned out this way.

Most of my friends don't trust me. I don't blame them. I run my mouth far too much to be a good friend. I hurt people and I run away from anything that might actually be healthy for me. I'm destructive and stupid and naive by choice. I play dumb and act stupid. I play with people's emotions for my own gratification or amusement.

This past summer I decided I wanted to work in the mission field. I can't even talk to a close friend about her salvation. I have major people issues that never surfaced till I got my job but now they keep me from making friends and from sharing the Word. I don't talk to God the way I should. I go to him when I'm in trouble but when life's good I completely forget about him. I don't act even close to what a Christian should act like. I use words that make most people blush. I have the sex drive of a 19 year old guy. I've been blessed with oh so many talents...and I use none of them the way I should. God has nothing to be proud of when it comes to me. I have let my Father down.

I absolutely and completely hate who I am. I look just like my mother who is beautiful, yet I hate the way I look. Too fat, too short, too round in the face, bad hair, bad complexion, etc. I can't go a day without putting myself down. I do well to go an hour. I spend a good twenty minutes every night in front of the mirror either before I get into the shower or after...just pointing out all the bad things about the way I look. I'm a pessimist. I feel completely broken and used up and I wish someone would just love me so that I could maybe figure out how to love myself again. I hear that you can't love anyone till you love yourself...if that's the case I'm not sure I'll ever be truly happy. I hate feeling tired and down all the time. I've tried everything I know to try to stay healthy if even for a little while. My immune system can't handle the sleepless nights and the stress filled days and in result I stay in and out of doctors offices and remain feeling like crap constantly. 

I only wish I were just a little more confident in who I am. Everything above that would most likely just work all of its kinks out in response. I just really wish I weren't me these days.

I feel broken. Torn. & Alone.

9/28/08 12:56 am - P.S. I still love you...

I don't know what to do. What to think. What to say.

Ed told me tonight that he falls for me every time he sees me. That he still loves me. That he wishes things would've worked last time. That he wouldn't of been so stupid about Stacey.

Casey (14) told me that he's falling for me and I had to break his heart. He's fourteen. I can't just be like "oh okay, lets get into an illegal relationship...no one will ever know!" I feel horrible for it though.

I miss Brandon. I know it's wrong. I know I shouldn't. I know it's never going to work. But I really do wish I could just spend a day with him. It's been almost two months since I've seen him and I have no idea when I'll see him again. I miss just spending afternoons talking to him, laughing with him, playing mad at him. He made me so happy. Distance = Anger. Hate. Despair.

I don't know how to handle the Ed thing. He's so destructive. Dangerous. Bad for me. I do love him. I have always loved him. I will always love him. But if we were to try it again it'd make try number like seven or eight. That's just too much. I'm a pessimist. My brain screams "this is stupid!" and "this won't work!" My brain is right. But we fit. We're so comfortable together.

That's why it's so easy to fall back into this pattern. It's comfortable. It's normal. It's easy. It's familiar.

If he didn't smoke pot it'd be different. He won't change though. He hasn't grown up yet.

I feel kinda lost.



I've prayed about it. I've begged for Him to just show me my path. I'm tired of wandering.




I don't know....

9/13/08 09:18 am - Brain Puke

I will be fine. I have no choice.


He was a random boy anyways.


We'd never even thought about dating until a few months ago...

It just kinda happened. Random.


I don't know. Mac sat out in the parking lot with me last night for like an hour...just talking.

He's a good kid.

IDK.




I was watching Scrubs last night....and I want this.......


Elliot: Of course I'm holding back! I'm insane, you idiot! Remember the other day, when you told me that I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am wracked with self-doubt. I have panic attacks. I'm claustrophobic, germaphobic, phobiaphobic. I talk to myself. I talk to my cat. I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice. And yesterday, when that stupid pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks! Why a box of steaks? 'Cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher! And, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There! I opened up! Are you happy?

Paul: No. I'm incredibly turned on."


Hehe.




Stupid parade today...I've gotta leave here in a few and I'm not even close to happy about having to go. I want to just sleep till time for work. UGH.



always.
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